I had a little meltdown on Sunday. It was one of those days where everything was just a little bit off. My husband and I couldn't seem to get on the same page. My girls were standing on my last nerve. Everything was simply overwhelming.
So I cried. I cried because I felt completely inadequate. I cried because I was overwhelmed. I cried because I simply didn't know where to start to fix things.
At this time last year, I knew my life was going to change. It was going to be nutty and chaotic and frustrating and beautiful. I knew that having a child at home all year was going to be the best thing I ever did but also the hardest. I didn't know just how long constantly trying to be everything to everyone was going to take to catch up with me.
Apparently, it took nearly a year. Because as much as we accomplished in that year, as awesome as it is that my daughter is in a better place, as much as God worked, I had no idea how tired and overwhelmed I had become. I had no idea how much trying to do it all and simply putting one foot in front of the other every day would eventually wear away at my ability to continue doing that.
Don't get me wrong. God's grace is sufficient for every day, but when you're in the midst of a soul-wearying year -- whether it's because you've gone to work outside the home, had a new baby, are caring for an elderly parent, or are simply in the midst of troubled times with your kids or in your marriage -- there's going to come a point where you body and soul simply say "Enough!"
And that's where I was on Sunday. I've been feeling lethargic all summer. I haven't done a lot of the things I've normally done. I haven't been the "fun" mom. I haven't been the productive freelancer. I haven't been a great wife. I've simply needed some downtime. I've needed to just be.
But somewhere in the midst of just "being" I forgot to be with the One who fills me up. Instead of turning to the One who has all the energy and grace I'll ever need, it's been easy to simply say that I'm owed some time for myself. But what I really need is time with the only One who can fill me up and give me everything that I need.
So, today, I'm going to start off my day with some much needed time -- time with the God who loves me, time with the One who can fill up the empty places, time with the God of the universe who can make me the fun mom, the productive freelancer, the insightful blogger and the great wife.
Because I don't have to do all those things myself. I simply have to make time to be with the One who can make me those things.