The past six months have been tough. I'm beginning to feel a lot like Job. They have looked something like this: meningitis, throat abscess, tonsillectomy, broken hand, hyperthyroid diagnosis, liver issues, ER visit, father-in-law has a stroke, and the dog sprains his ankle (yes, that can happen). The last four happened last week.
And that's just the major stuff. We've also had school issues, relationships beginning and ending and the normal, everyday drama that comes from having a 12-year-old and 14-year-old daughter.
Several weeks ago, I started reading The End of Me by Kyle Idleman, which was sent to me by Family Christian, and it spoke to me. It spoke God right into the midst of this mess we call our lives right now. It stopped me in my tracks and made me realize that I truly have to get to the end of me before Jesus can truly use me in the way that He wants.
There are no easy answers in this book. My life didn't immediately become hunky-dory as evidenced by the nightmare that was last week. I am truly at the end of every bit of strength and sanity I possess to make it through tomorrow.
But what this book made me realize is that I'm of no use to God when I'm trying to do everything myself. I can't be effective as a wife, a mom or in ministry if I'm doing it on my own.
The End of Me made me realize that I have to truly mourn my sin and follow Jesus' example in humility if I want to have any effect in the kingdom of God. I also have to let God work even through my weaknesses. God requires authenticity, He wants us to lay our ragged, worn out, I-don't-know-what-to-do selves at the foot of the cross so He can showcase His strength through our weakness.
Kyle Idleman uses the Beattitudes to discuss the beauty of truly mourning our sin, the importance of humility, and why we need to be authentic. He shows that the upside-down logic of the Beattitudes has the power to change the way we see the world.
In the second half of the book, he uses Jesus' encounters with others as examples of how God can use us in our weakness and our imperfection. From the parable of the great banquet to Saul's encounter with Jesus, he vividly shows how when we get to the end our ourselves, God can then use us in a mighty way.
Reading this book didn't make my life perfect, but it offered perfect perspective on the idea that God can only truly use me when I come to the end of me.